it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know