He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
