on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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