got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
