I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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