theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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