The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
