My friends, they love my intelligence
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
