So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
