Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
