i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
