I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dicks are not precious.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
