I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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