What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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