I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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