I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
