There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i came on her dog
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize