girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
