i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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