...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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