I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
