my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I die, sorry about rent.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
