just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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