I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
