I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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