I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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