Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
