Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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