As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
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an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
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Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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