Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
