ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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