he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
