i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
