it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
