new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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