saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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