I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
