Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
