I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
honey bunches of taint.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
