when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
