Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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