If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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