i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
