you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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