Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
