I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
