White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
