Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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