he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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