i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So squirting runs in the family.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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