hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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