I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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