in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
