my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
